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The things eminating from this site are likely to be things that I have no business saying, but they are birthed out of a state I like to call being "Full Of Smit"
Monday, August 06, 2007
Okay, two women. Both culturally young for me. Both meet needs that are necessary to my continuing growth and I have a need to be a protector and neither of them has one. I long to be more, but I think that most of my angst comes from being afraid of being alone. I don't like being alone. I don't want to be alone. Yet even when I am not alone, there is a loneliness that stems from being left out. I have a great fear of being left behind or left out.
Yesterday I stood in the back of a room filled with people who have a nominal love for me that were caught up in what they had going on and so I was left standing alone. I got to watch these families from a lone vantage point like a dispassionate observer studying behaviors.
This is part of why it's so important to me. Why I feel the need to be a part of something with greater commitment. I want to be able to watch someone interact with others and know that I can talk with them later about their interactions. That they're going to be nearby when I need them, to reassure them and be reassured that I am accepted. That the commitment is deep and nothing will sever it because we are making conscious choices for each other. To guard each other.
And I feel like I am missing out and that the sensitivity to know these experiences is dwindling away.
So these two women.
One is a ferocious worship leader. I have never seen her like and would follow her to the gates of hell on a musical mission. Sometimes I lead her there I think.
Sense of humor, self worth, leads by example- I have told her that I have never met anyone who has the same eyes as I before. I can't tel her much more than that as she is interested only in her music and I am not willing to jeopardize the relationship we have at this point in time.
The other has a prophetic ear that confidence in her hearing that I don't know what what I'm supposed to do. I have wept when praying for her. I have prayed for her and seen her healed. We have roared together with a roar to shake the foundations of our city. And I have felt that God told me to stand and guard her, whether I have done that properly or not is anyones guess.
The middle part is probably what's really important here, but as this is all for me, I'll leave the rest until...
Yesterday I stood in the back of a room filled with people who have a nominal love for me that were caught up in what they had going on and so I was left standing alone. I got to watch these families from a lone vantage point like a dispassionate observer studying behaviors.
This is part of why it's so important to me. Why I feel the need to be a part of something with greater commitment. I want to be able to watch someone interact with others and know that I can talk with them later about their interactions. That they're going to be nearby when I need them, to reassure them and be reassured that I am accepted. That the commitment is deep and nothing will sever it because we are making conscious choices for each other. To guard each other.
And I feel like I am missing out and that the sensitivity to know these experiences is dwindling away.
So these two women.
One is a ferocious worship leader. I have never seen her like and would follow her to the gates of hell on a musical mission. Sometimes I lead her there I think.
Sense of humor, self worth, leads by example- I have told her that I have never met anyone who has the same eyes as I before. I can't tel her much more than that as she is interested only in her music and I am not willing to jeopardize the relationship we have at this point in time.
The other has a prophetic ear that confidence in her hearing that I don't know what what I'm supposed to do. I have wept when praying for her. I have prayed for her and seen her healed. We have roared together with a roar to shake the foundations of our city. And I have felt that God told me to stand and guard her, whether I have done that properly or not is anyones guess.
The middle part is probably what's really important here, but as this is all for me, I'll leave the rest until...
