The Dumb-"Smit" speaks

Okay, two women. Both culturally young for me. Both meet needs that are necessary to my continuing growth and I have a need to be a protector and neither of them has one. I long to be more, but I think that most of my angst comes from being afraid of being alone. I don't like being alone. I don't want to be alone. Yet even when I am not alone, there is a loneliness that stems from being left out. I have a great fear of being left behind or left out.
Yesterday I stood in the back of a room filled with people who have a nominal love for me that were caught up in what they had going on and so I was left standing alone. I got to watch these families from a lone vantage point like a dispassionate observer studying behaviors.
This is part of why it's so important to me. Why I feel the need to be a part of something with greater commitment. I want to be able to watch someone interact with others and know that I can talk with them later about their interactions. That they're going to be nearby when I need them, to reassure them and be reassured that I am accepted. That the commitment is deep and nothing will sever it because we are making conscious choices for each other. To guard each other.
And I feel like I am missing out and that the sensitivity to know these experiences is dwindling away.
So these two women.
One is a ferocious worship leader. I have never seen her like and would follow her to the gates of hell on a musical mission. Sometimes I lead her there I think.
Sense of humor, self worth, leads by example- I have told her that I have never met anyone who has the same eyes as I before. I can't tel her much more than that as she is interested only in her music and I am not willing to jeopardize the relationship we have at this point in time.
The other has a prophetic ear that confidence in her hearing that I don't know what what I'm supposed to do. I have wept when praying for her. I have prayed for her and seen her healed. We have roared together with a roar to shake the foundations of our city. And I have felt that God told me to stand and guard her, whether I have done that properly or not is anyones guess.
The middle part is probably what's really important here, but as this is all for me, I'll leave the rest until...

Oh yeah... I didn't say- nothing happened- it was all in my mind.

I heard back... no encouragement there, but she did remember who I was. My heart is crying out, "enough- I've had enough" I don't want to go through any more life alone. I'm tired of trying to make head or tail out of what I already have, I need something new to work with. I'm just too damned old for this. I want to be king so I can pick out a bed-warmer for a time. I could be breaking at the heart.

Well, it's been... well, okay, only about three weeks, but dang, I'm tired of waiting. Mebbe'...

Still no reponse... Maybe I'm alone in this whole thing... and maybe that won't stop. Maybe I went after the wrong one. She met the infamous "list", but I never trusted that thing anyway. Do I sound bitter? Or maybe she's not allowing any distraction. I'm so dust

So today my day was kind of hard. Not as hard as yesterday, but still pretty difficult. We have been loosing drivers as though there was a disease running rampant and so, it sewems, they have done something to add trips which reduces quality of service and I always feel it deep. I've just spent a couple of days trying to figure out why I'm not performing as well as I had been and today I figured that part out (I think)
Anyway, I've been trying to stay in a good frame of mind throughout this ordeal, so I think happy thoughts, and when that doesn't work I go to my happy place... Guess who was there?
She's been there for a week,mebbe longer, I just hadn't recognized her there. So today I asked her, "Who gave you a map to my happy place?" But she's in Germany... Has she answered me yet?

Okay. so here is a glossary of some terms that I have become accustomed to using to refer to varioous stages of the state of "smitten"

1) Dumb-Smit:

At this stage the smitten is overwhelmed by the weight of attraction becoming severely inept and hampered in basic communication skills. He may answer simple questions with statements like "Not have way" (steve martin, wild and crazy guy)

2) Smit-Faced also Smit-eating Grin

That stupid grin that accompanies the first week or so

3) Smit-Head

Dumb-Smit, stage two

4) Full of Smit

Being at the point where you're willing to get the smit-paper

5) Smit-Paper

Marriage license

6)Holy Smit

smit recognized and sanctified by the use of smit-paper

7) Chicken smit

Often mistaken for being dumb-smit... not so much can't as won't though

8) Flipping Smit

Flirting

9) Smit rolls Downhill

This stage, I'm sorry to say, comes after the smit-kicking and is generally honed to a fine edge by consuming mass quantities of adult, mind altering beverages... wearing what are fondly referred to as beer goggles

10) Smit-Kicker

A confirmed bachelor

11)When the smit hits the fan

That would be... love at first sight?

12) knee deep in Smit

That point where all your motions seem to be outside of real time

13) Up smit creek

That point where you can't and as well don't want to, get out of it